My Story – Page 5 – All the things

Never Underestimate

July 24, 2014February 3, 2016 Jessica

When problems arise and you are looking for answers sometimes the answers can seem nonexistent, overwhelming, or unobtainable. I often pray about things and sometimes I feel like God is telling me the answer but I will quickly dismiss it because the answer just seems too big.

I keep seeing needs and I have dismissed them. They aren’t mine to deal with. They are bigger then me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it. But all the while, I keep hearing God say, Do something. But God, I don’t know if I have any more energy. Do something. Well I would but I just don’t think that will work right now. Do something. Ok God, I will do something, but I will need to wait until the time is right and the circumstances all line up because right now it just doesn’t seem like it will fit. DO SOMETHING.

I am just an tired mom. I am, really. I go to bed tired and sometimes I wake up tired. Lets face it, sometimes I stay worn out in between! I feel like there are people around me who need me though. I think the church needs me. They need me to stop saying “but I am just a mom, there isn’t any more I can do” and I need to start saying “I am just a mom and that is all I can manage BUT God can manage much more and I am going to let Him use to me do it!”

Sometimes I think we all underestimate the power we have as individuals. What happens when you use your gifts and talents to set peoples hearts on fire for Jesus? Lets stop saying we can’t and start realizing God can. What impact can YOU have on one other person? It is a domino effect because the one (or more) that you choose to invest in will invest in others.

So guess what? I am going to stop telling God “that is too big” and I am going to start saying “God that is way too big for me alone, but I will do it and will need you to be my guide and my strength.” I know I can’t but I know He can. I am going to stop looking at all of the reasons why it can’t work and start finding all the reasons why it can. Stop making excuses and start seeking Gods answers to these problems. There is no better time then now and I know if God calls me to it, he will equip me with what I need to see it through!

**Disclaimer** I know that there are seasons where being a mom is really all we can do. I have been there! I am posting this as encouragement. I am feeling God ask me to do some things and this is just meant to encourage others who feel called to not allow things that seem too BIG stop them from following through. There are seasons, and I don’t want anyone to feel like I am trying to tell you to do more then you should. Please pray and ask for discernment for your situation but know that if God calls you to it, He will equip you to do it- even when it doesn’t seem like you can!

Encouragement, Family, My Story

Are you exhausted?

June 21, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

11 weeks and 3 days ago we welcomed our 4th child into this world. There are so many joys in new babies! I love so much about the experience. The visitors, the meals, the squishy baby in my arms all of the time, that new baby smell that is just intoxicating, all of the tiny little clothes. I mean really, whats not to love about a new baby?

Oh, you are thinking lack of sleep maybe? Or maybe the crying and excessive pooping they do? Well, there is that.

I will tell you that having baby number 4 has people asking me “are you just exhausted” almost daily. (I also get, “bless your heart” “wow you have your hands full” “oh man, I do not know how you do that” and a handful of other comments that I will just have to address in another post) When people ask me that I tend to have a generic response that is something like this “not really. I feel pretty good actually”

But yesterday we had some friends over. We were standing in the kitchen and she asked “So are you just exhausted?”. I gave my normal response, except my husband was standing behind me and he started laughing. I turned around and looked at him and he said “did you really just say that?” It really got me thinking about it. It made me think about why I really don’t feel the need to feel exhausted. And also to think about why my husband was seeing things so different.

I have decided its called mom strength. Am I exhausted? Probably. Being a mom is hard work, tiring, 24/7, non stop. There is a never ending list of tasks to be done and they must be done while juggling kids and life. Being a mom is probably one of the hardest jobs on the planet. I think every mom is exhausted. Am I right? It just comes with the job.

So why does my husband laugh when I say I am not exhausted? First of all, my husband sees me daily. He knows what I do, he sees me at the end of a long hard day filled with non napping children, a day that hasn’t gone at all as planned, and an 11 year old who knows better. He knows I get up to feed the baby throughout the night and even when I am asleep I am not resting because my body is on mom alert. He hears me say “I just don’t know if I can do it again tomorrow” in a moment of weakness. He knows I am exhausted.

If I am exhausted, why do I not explain that when people ask? I don’t think I notice how exhausted I am most of the time. I think I just get up and go and do whatever is in front of me. If you asked me if I was exhausted in the middle of a really tough day, I would probably be really honest, but for the most part, every day life and the exhaustion that comes with it just feels pretty normal. When I stop and look at things honestly, I think my strength and perspective comes from God and leaning on Him.

“Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

This verse does not mean that I will never be tired or even exhausted (because I am both). I just know that trusting in the Lord for my strength has been so fruitful for me. I have been able to muster through some rough days by simply relying on the Lord for strength. God always provides what we need in the moment when we rely on Him. I have learned that He might not always answer my prayers the way I envision them being answered, but he always answers. God called mothers into the mission field of being a mom and He is faithful to walk with us until our mission is complete! God is bigger then anything we face daily. He is bigger then physical and mental exhaustion. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28

Moms- It is ok to be exhausted. It is ok to realize how hard your job is and how much weight you carry by doing it. But be encouraged that God called you into Motherhood and He is there with you every step of the way. Ask Him for whatever you need. Remember that you are not alone either, look around you, moms everywhere are exhausted too, just like you. Hug another mommy and remind her how precious she is to her children and to God. Take time to laugh with a fellow mom and see how much exhaustion fades away when you choose to smile and find joy. Encourage someone else today because you can. Love with all your heart and soul. Remember you have the power to change the world, one little tiny person at at time. Being a mom is a BIG job, an important job, an exhausting job. But God chose YOU to do it because He knows you can!

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Family, My Story

Fathers Day

June 15, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

It is late, 11:53pm. In a few minutes it will be Father’s day 2014. I have had a rough night with the kids, leaving me up late thumbing through social media. It is currently flooded with well wishes to fathers. I see women who are adoring and reminiscing their own dads. I see wives who are celebrating their husbands. It has left me with a lot of thoughts. I am not going to share them all, simply because they are complicated and too deep for this venue.

But I have decided a few of them are worth sharing……

My dear husband of almost 11 years is quite simply amazing. I don’t publicly brag on him as often as I should, but today is a perfect time to give him some much needed applause. I was just going to post a cute collage on instagram of him with each baby (see below). Then when I went to make the collage I realized something- what this man has done is big.

At the age of 17, we found out I was pregnant. I will never forget those few days of pure panic. I remember Joel being so calm as I cried and cried and cried. I remember the next day we were in his truck and I said “Joel, what in the world are we going to do?” and he just looked at me with the most sincere eyes and said “we will do whatever it takes” He has stood by those words to this day.

As I think about all of that now, I think about how easy it would have been for him to say- I don’t know what you are doing, but I am having no part of this! But he didn’t. Instead, he went to doctor appointments, watched me gain weight, get moody, get sick, held my hand through labor, and then he loved our son with everything he had. I watched him work his booty off, and finish his senior year of high school, all while I was pregnant and having a baby. He stood by me and has never even once complained about our situation.

Now, 12 years+ I can say that the boy who was strong for me, even though he was scared to death, has become the most amazing, Godly husband and father. He has been our provider, my rock, the love of my life. He has given me 4 amazing, beautiful children. He has become the leader of our household and made all of my dreams a reality. He has worked so hard over the years and continues to do so. He is showing our kids what it means to be a good husband and father. He is caring, loving, and passionate about what he does. He is truly amazing and I thank God daily for him. I don’t think I can ever put into words how grateful I am for this man. He is one of a kind and I am proud to be his wife!

Happy Fathers Day to the most amazing dad I know, my husband, Joel!

Encouragement, My Story

Acceptance

June 5, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

Do you ever wake up and try to beat your toddler to the coffee pot? You know what I mean? You need to get a cup a coffee in before you hear a whiney “mommy I need a drink” or before there is any chance of a melt down. I know that is a reality in this house. We have 4 kids ranging from 2 months old to 11 and all 4 of them are at home with me all day. There is a toddler in that mix and anyone who has ever had a toddler knows that they can be tricky at times.

Right now at this point in my life I have found that there are days that are just hard. There are long nights that leave me exhausted. There are days with more meltdowns than smiles. Some days I feel like I get nothing done (which is hard for me because I am a doer). At times I wonder if I will ever have any time for anything! Days come where the 2 year old is refusing to nap and wants me to lay with her. I planned to do things while she napped. The baby is asleep and I need her to sleep too! This is a place to easily get frustrated.

I know there have been so many times where I have told my husband “I am just so tired. I don’t know if I can do this again tomorrow!” He has jokingly said, “don’t worry, it will get better in a few years” Oh my word, so much for encouragement! We had our first two kids 2 years apart just like the last two. We survived that and I know we will survive this too. The fact is, I know that this time passes by so fast! I know that I am going to miss these days. I missed them as soon as they were over with our first two.

Acceptance. That is where I have gotten to. I have accepted that I may not get anything on my to-do list done. I am ok with that. I have decided to embrace each moment of the day. When Garner has a meltdown, I remind myself that she is strong willed, full of life and that she makes me laugh more then she makes me cry. I remind myself of the pure joy that flows from her tiny two year old body. When the baby is fussy and isn’t wanting to sleep, I choose to see the blessing it is to have him in my arms. It is so easy to be consumed by the craziness of life and to miss the blessings.

I don’t want to allow anything to stop me from seeing all the good things in my life. There is always good no matter what is going on. We get to choose joy. I have so much to be thankful for in my life. My life is not perfect. There are lots of moments that are stressful and seem impossible. Things don’t always go the way I plan. There are disappointments. But there is no life I would rather have. Choosing to let the joy overshadow the chaos has been one of the most amazing feelings! I lean on prayer a lot. I give the things I can’t control to God and ask Him for strength and wisdom daily, especially in parenting these 4 amazing kids.

One thing that I have used my one on one time with the kids for is praying for them individually. I have found myself laying in bed with Garner or rocking Harvey a lot lately. I know when it is 10:30pm and I have been trying to get them to sleep for 2 hours and have been hearing cries for 2 hours, my emotions are high and I know I am vulnerable to have a meltdown myself. So, I have just started praying through all of it. I start praying for their future, their friends, for who they will become, for wisdom in parenting them and guiding them to be the person God created them to be, and even for their future spouse. Praying sends all my anxiety away, eases my spirit and gives me peace all while reminding me of the blessing it is be a mommy.

So, kiss your life! Love where you are today. Rocking babies, kissing boo-boos, waking up for 2am feedings, or maybe you are struggling with a teenager. Wherever your life is now, focus on loving it, or else you might miss the happiness that is right in front of you.

Encouragement, Family, My Story

Whatever God is calling you to…

May 16, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

Have you ever asked God what He has for you? Ever been willing to just do whatever He asks? I have been praying for sometime that God just reveal to me what he wants me to do next. I am in a new season full of new things and I find myself more then ever seeking His will over mine. A few weeks ago I was praying in the car on a drive to NWA and I felt like God was telling me to encourage moms. I felt like he was saying moms need to be encouraged in their roles as moms and you can do it. I was talking out loud to God and pretty much just said “ok God I can do that! I can encourage moms when I am having conversations and hear they need it.” But it felt like He said “no, there is more”

I will tell you that I have never felt like God was asking me to do something like this. I know it might not seem like something HUGE but I felt he was really asking me to do it. So I started praying daily for the details, the plan. I need a plan- I am a planner! I asked my husband to pray for me too. I didn’t really tell anyone about this because I had no idea what I was suppose to be doing! Everyday I would pray, and everyday God would send me some sort of message. For about a week the message was “whatever God is calling you to, just do it” I felt stronger about this calling everyday. But still had no idea how I was suppose to do it. I thought maybe I was suppose to start some sort of group. But it just didn’t seem possible. Moms are busy already, I am busy, when would have time to meet? So I just kept praying.

I decided that maybe blogging was the way I was suppose to reach people. But I still just wasn’t sure. Then I got this message from a girl who I didn’t really know. Our kids were in the same preschool class 5 years ago but I didn’t really know her. I mean I would wave and say hi if I saw her at Walmart but I didn’t know anything about her and she didn’t know anything about me either. We hadn’t even been Facebook friends until a few days prior to her message. Her message sent chills up my spine. It basically said that as crazy as it sounded, she felt like God told her I was suppose to speak at their Mother/Daughter banquet at her church. She said she wasn’t even sure if I was a speaker (I am not!) She gave me her number and asked me to call her if I was interested. When I called my first question was “did someone tell you to ask me?” I could tell she was feeling a little bit embarrassed and said “I know it sounds crazy but as I prayed about who was suppose to speak your name just kept coming to my mind and I felt like God was saying it was you”

So I feel like God asks me to encourage moms, then I get asked to speak at a banquet for moms? WOW- how could I even possibly deny that God was really asking me to do all that? I am still humbled and overwhelmed to be used. But guess what? We all can be used and God has something for all of us, we just have to ask, and be willing to do whatever it is that He asks of us. So He asked me to speak at this banquet and I said yes. Even though I didn’t feel equipped, worthy, or ready to do that! God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I kept reminding myself of that!

I would like to say I was so excited to speak in front of people. That it was a dream come true, but the truth is I was scared to death! I had no idea what I would say or how to say it! I would also love to tell you that I feel like I did a great job speaking at the banquet. I don’t know what I said and just pray that I said something that someone in that room needed to hear!

I hope that those who read this will see it as encouragement to just ask God for vision and then be ready to do what he asks you to do! Even if it is scary and outside of your comfort zone! Speaking in front of people was scary for me, but I did it and it feels great to have been able to step outside of my fear to do what God asked! God’s plans are so much bigger and better then our own!

I have more blog posts coming to share some of what I have been experiencing as a momma and hoping that it will encourage other momma’s too!

Cleft Lip, Encouragement, Family, My Story

Meet Harvey

April 11, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

This sweet boy has already made such an impact on our family! He decided to wait 2 hours after his big brothers birthday ended to make his appearance. At 2:20am on April 1st, Joel and I got to meet this incredibly handsome boy! Life has been a little crazy with doctor appointments, adjusting to life with 4 kids, and everything else that goes on in life, but Harvey has been an amazing baby (I just knocked on wood and realize that today will probably be the day all that changes). Kamden, Jade, & Garner LOVE him. He gets passed around a lot and loved on even more. Garner has adjusted well and is doing great as a big sister. She just adores him. I know so many have been waiting on an update so here goes! Harvey weighed 6 pounds 13 ounces when he was born. He started nursing minutes after being born and has been doing fabulous ever since. This is a HUGE blessing and something so many of you have prayed for me. We knew there was a good chance with his cleft lip that he might not be able to nurse but Praise The Lord he is doing well! He is gaining weight too, which is another blessing. As long as he continues to gain weight, I can keep nursing! Yesterday we were able to go meet with our doctor at Children’s. Children’s has a clinic in Lowell, which is a lot closer for us. Our doctor comes once a month to see patients there so we were able to do our first appointment there. We found out that they will allow us to continue to come there for our monthly visits in Lowell. Another huge blessing! The doctor said Harvey looks great! He does have a notch in his gum that looks to be a pretty good one. We won’t know what all this will entail until later on. It could effect a number of things, but right now we are not going to worry about it because they can’t fix it until later on. His surgery on his lip will be at 3 months which will fall at the first of July. We will get a surgery date soon. One thing that I was concerned about was his eating after surgery. We knew that he could not take a binkie after surgery (so we decided not to give him one) but I wasn’t sure about feedings. We found out yesterday since he is nursing, it won’t effect anything! He gets to continue to nurse after surgery! Another blessing!! If he was bottle fed, we would have to use a syringe to feed him. So, as of now, Harvey is doing great! {and he is absolutely gorgeous, if I do say so myself!!} He is eating well, his cleft looks minimal, and we just feel incredibly blessed! Thank you all for your prayers, calls, meals, and visits!

Celebrate Recovery, Encouragement, Family, My Story

Living in the wrong season?

March 14, 2014September 17, 2015 Jessica

Running on empty, burning the candle at both ends……. Ever feel like this describes you?

Early on in my adult life, a good friend told me that there were “seasons” of life. I remember feeling so relieved to hear this concept. I was happy to know that even though I felt as if things would never be different, that seasons come and go. I have often struggled with wanting to be in a different season then I am in. A lot of the time I don’t even realize that is what I am doing. I have had seasons that are short and pass quickly and some that feel as though they last longer then I would like.

Right now I am in over drive. Over committed, especially on a mental level. I feel over whelmed and exhausted almost daily. Why is this? Why can’t I just shake this? Why does this cycle seem to repeat itself over and over? I have been reflecting and trying to figure it out. I find that when I feel like I do right now, it is because I am needing to be really honest with myself (and maybe to others too) about something. I know that if I am doing the same things over and over and nothing is changing, there is a problem. Who wants to admit that? Who wants to evaluate what they are doing wrong? Not me! That is not fun, but I have found it is the only way for true growth.

I am well aware that I do “too much”. Although when I look at my days, I seem to justify my busy time by saying I just do what I have to. But do I really? This is where I decided to write down all that I do. I included every day things like grocery shopping, meal planning, and laundry. Then I listed things I had committed to such as homeschool, marriage ministry, bible study, leading life group, and then the commitments we had made for the kids, dance, soccer….. I also looked at what I had committed to in my own spiritual journey, Celebrate Recovery, devotions, books. Writing it all out really helped me to gain perspective on how much I really have on my plate.

I started wondering if I was trying to live in the wrong season? I mean there is nothing on my list of things that I don’t want to do. There isn’t anything bad on my list and I really want to do all of it, and probably sometimes even more. I love being active and busy. I truly find so much joy in giving and doing for others. But is it possible that because I am overloaded and unfocused that I am daily missing the blessing of the season I am in? I am committed to fulfilling dreams, passions, and desires that could wait for another season? Am I in a season that should be focused on kissing boo-boos, reading stories, building the character of my children, encouraging my husband, and becoming a healthier me? Have I placed my focus on too many things that the most important ones are suffering in this season?

What would happen if I boldly asked God to reveal to me what He has for me right now. In this season. Would I accept it if God said “Be a mother to your children. Raise them to know and love me. Care for them the way you always wanted to be cared for. Be a good wife to your husband and meet his needs and help him to fulfill his dreams. Continue to grow your life as a follower of me. Seek Me before you commit to things. When you want to do good, make sure it is to show the love of Christ and not for mans approval or praise.” That is truly where I feel like God is calling me…… So what is stopping me now?

Honestly, guilt, fear, and a lack of trust in the Lord. I feel guilty if the kids don’t get to do everything they want to. I feel bad if I have to say no to a very worthy cause. I am sad to disappoint someone by not being there. I am afraid that if I give up things, I will loose my sense of worth. I think that if I am not doing visible good things that no one will see me as good. I try to find my confidence in what others think of me. I feel pressure to keep up with a certain level of busy, or else I am being lazy. I am too focused on the outside world and not enough on my bible, time with God, and investing in my family.

All of that is hard to say and hard to admit. But it is truth….. Stepping out of the dark, into the light. Out of denial, and closer to Jesus……

So now, I am reevaluating priorities. Looking at my list and praying about everything on it. Does it mean backing out of some things for now? Does it mean saying no to things I would like to do? Will I miss some fun opportunities? Will someone possibly be upset with me for saying no? More then likely yes. But if I truly seek God and His will for this season (and every season to come) I trust that I will be fulfilled despite what I am giving up. God is good and His plan and timing are perfect. He doesn’t want us running on empty, exhausted, and overwhelmed. If I am feeling this way, it means that I am doing something He doesn’t have for me. We live in a world where there is always something or someone begging for your time and energy. I am going to choose to enjoy this season I am in and know that there will be a time for other things!

Cleft Lip, Family, My Story, Uncategorized

Waiting for Harvey

March 3, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

Today as I write this, I am 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My belly is growing which means this little man is too! He stays very active and is always letting me know he is there! It won’t be too much longer before we are able to meet this precious gift and we couldn’t be any more excited!

I decided to post an update because we have had so many questions. Right now I am not sure that we know much more then we knew when I first posted about Harvey but there is more that I didn’t share then. First of all, everything is looking great at my prenatal appointments. I am measuring about 2 weeks bigger, but had some extra amniotic fluid at my ultrasound so this is probably why. They are not concerned about it which is great!

I am just going to try to answer a lot of questions that I am getting frequently. Our plan is to deliver here, not at ACH. There is not any reason for us to need to go elsewhere. We will take him to Children’s when he is about a week old for his initial evaluation. As long as he is able to eat without problems, we should be able to just go home like normal after birth. So, really the answer to this question is, although there could be complications or issues associated with his cleft, we are not planning on any of them. We are well informed but plan on a normal delivery.

What will life be like when he gets here? We do not know the answer to that. We have so much information and feel very prepared for the unknown- as strange as that sounds. Until he is here everything is up in the air. We have been given lots of “this could happen” cases, so we know what could be. A few things we do know, his weight will be monitored very closely for the first 3 months, with weight checks weekly. We will be working with the nutritionist at ACH during this time to adjust his feedings/calories to make sure he is on track for surgery. His first surgery will be at 3 months.

There may or may not be more surgeries, it is all dependent on the extent of his cleft. The first year of life is hectic, they were very honest about that. There will be many trips to ACH, lots of appointments, I am going to guess lots of tears! We know that this is a journey and one that won’t always be easy but we have the biggest peace about it. We know God is bigger then this and we are just thankful to have so many amazing doctors caring for us! We are thankful that Harvey is otherwise healthy and that my pregnancy has been healthy as well.

Most of you know I am a photographer but I tend to be terrible about planning pictures that include me. I realized I really wanted a few good pictures of me pregnant with Harvey but I hadn’t scheduled any AND I am almost 34 weeks. So this morning, Mr. Meinardi decided to humor me and attempt a few pictures. I will say, a few turned out super cute. Being the perfectionist (in recovery) that I am, I am trying hard to remember that he is not a photographer! He really did do a good job. Thank you honey!

I think he found it harder to take pictures of all of us! But we captured the moment so that is all that matters!

We used my Tripod and took one of us together. I am hoping to get a few more of both of us in it later.

I love these of Garner and I! Probably my favorite. She is only the baby for a few more weeks!

Encouragement, Family, My Story

Perception: a mess or a blessing?

March 2, 2014June 21, 2014 Jessica

Perception is a funny thing. Have you ever looked at something and saw it completely different then someone else? I often see how different perception is when I hear my kids talk. They see the world so differently then we do. I also hear it when others talk about themselves, situations, opinions. I have really started seeing how powerful perception is and how different it can be.

Last week I was getting ready for life group and I was busy getting the house ready. Cleaning, putting things away, making sure we had everything we needed and so on. I looked around and felt really good about everything. I started preparing my portion of our meal and before I know it, I look around around me and in the floor there are toys all over the place, some “crunchy” which is just G’s cereal she likes to eat, and I suddenly felt the need to sigh and be a little irritated. I had just spent a lot of time cleaning and preparing. I had already swept the floors and the toys had been put back into their places.

Perception……. Sometimes I think it is a choice. How we choose to view situations is up to us. Times like these are the ones I would struggle with (and still do). I would immediately come a little unravelled (sometimes a lot), and I would begin to allow my emotions to just take over. Cereal and toys in the floor would become “no one ever listens” “you guys never” or “you always!” and then I would start remembering every single thing that drove me nuts.

In that moment, after I sighed, I smiled. I looked at my kids who love me so very much, and I said out loud “I think that this small mess could have easily thrown off my mood, but I am choosing to see if differently. You know what I see? A blessing! I am a blessed momma to have these kids and this mess.” And that was it. We stopped, and cleaned up the mess and there was nothing more. Well except for maybe a small victory for me!

To some reading this, it might seem very silly, but maybe there are other areas in your life where you are struggling to see positive. I am working hard to change my perception of things. One thing that is helping me is to gain biblical perspective on my life. Often times, the reactions that seem to be most natural and justified, are actually destructive and harmful.

Perception is a very powerful choice. How we choose to see things can effect every aspect of our life. We have a choice in how we perceive situations, circumstances, ourselves…. I have found that a lot of my reaction comes from my perception of what is going on. These choices aren’t easy, but I find when I choose to see things in a positive light, I feel so much better!

Celebrate Recovery, Encouragement, Family, My Story

Making others change?

February 19, 2014September 17, 2015 Jessica

What is wrong with people??? I mean really, people just seemed to be imperfect, sheesh, what is their problem? Why can’t they just do what I see is right and good? Why are people always hurting others, including myself? Why doesn’t anyone see ME over here?? Why doesn’t my husband just change? He admits his faults but then he just keeps on staying the same. I am always here for everyone and no one is ever here for me………

That may have been my thought process (and don’t get me wrong, I can find myself caught up in that thought process again sometimes). Admitting how ridiculous I sounded is hard, but its the truth. I really was constantly frustrated with everyone. So, again, this is a CR plug, but once I started CR I realized I was in some major denial. First of all, as badly as I wanted to control everyone else and make others see they needed change, I couldn’t do that and in fact realized how much I really did need change myself. Secondly, I have crazy high expectations for myself, which in turn make my expectations of everyone else extremely high too.

I am reading a book right now called Marriage Minute by Dave & Ashley Willis. I read this quote “Don’t focus on improving your marriage. Focus on improving yourself, serving your spouse and growing daily in your relationship with God and your marriage will start improving on its own.” Today reading that I smile and nod, because I know it to be so true! But back a few months ago, I would not have agreed. I would have rolled my eyes and said “Whatever! That is dumb, the only way MY marriage will be better is if HE chooses to do things different.”

I finally saw that I was actually causing a lot of problems by trying to “fix” everything. all the time. everyday. every hour. I would say the same things over and over. Complain about the same things over and over. I always thought I was helping, communicating my feelings, telling him what I needed. This all seemed so healthy.

I did slowly start seeing things that I needed to change about the way I handled issues, but what really changed is that I finally decided that even though it didn’t make sense to me and my very misguided view of things, I was going to just stop being the way I was. What I had been doing hadn’t worked in the past. Ever. So, I stopped. I stopped spewing every thought I had at Joel. I stopped telling him every.single.time. I thought he was messing up. I stopped trying to make him do everything MY way. I stopped being a bitter, over reactive, controlling wife.

I started praying about all of it. I started praying when I was upset with Joel instead of immediately telling him. I started journaling my thoughts, sometimes in letter form to Joel, but I never showed him. I would type it out, then I would pray and ask God to help direct me. Sometimes it meant I didn’t say anything about it but other times it meant that I would have a discussion with him much later about what had happened.

Guess what happened??? Our marriage started drastically changing. The more I focused on myself in my recovery, and my relationship with God, the more things started changing. Suddenly I felt so differently about my husband. I felt like he was willing to listen to me and I actually saw him start making a lot of really positive change and I wasn’t asking him to do it. I was so proud of the new turn our lives were taking!

No, things aren’t perfect. My husband didn’t magically stop making mistakes and neither did I. Our life isn’t all sunshine and we still have so much to work on, individually and as a couple, but we see positive change! Recovery is a process. There are days and weeks where things are right on track. Then there are days and weeks where we have to stop and refocus. We like to call it imperfect progress at CR.

I am choosing to be different. Choosing to turn my will over to God daily. We all have a choice and no one said it would be easy but I will tell you, it is amazingly rewarding! I love what God is doing in my life! God is doing something BIG in my life- does that make me special? Well of course, but anyone can experience God moving in their life too. We just have to choose to let him work in our lives, rather then trying to make our lives work for us.

Celebrate Recovery- For ANYONE with hurts, habits, or hangups. It is a choice you won’t regret!