Encouragement, Family, My Story, Uncategorized

Remember the light


Have you ever been asked to do something, then later forgot what was asked of you?

I tend to feel pretty on top of things.  I am a people pleaser by nature and so disappointing others is something I try very hard to avoid- to a fault.  I have had to find balance in my people pleasing and learn what is truly mine.  Some days I do good and some days, I find myself trying to figure out why I said yes.  If I tell you I am doing something, I am going to do whatever I can to do it.

About 5 years ago I prayed regularly for God to show me MY next step.  I prayed and prayed.  Asking God what He wanted from me right now.  I voiced my readiness for whatever was next.  He kept answering “share your story, encourage others.” I tried to ignore it because it seemed, well, like not much of a calling.

But eventually I started a blog (this one) and I wanted to share openly.  At the time I was pregnant and knew the baby boy I was carrying would be born with at least a cleft lip and the extent of his birth defect was unknown.  I thought maybe I was suppose to share about my experience with that, and I did.  I am thankful I have those posts because looking back on the things God showed me during that time has been such a blessing!

Then, 6 months after our sweet boy was born, my dad took his life.  It took me almost a year, but eventually I listened to the nudge God gave me to share and wrote about that.

Since then, I have shared lots of stuff, off and on.  I have never been consistent.

I find that I often doubt what God called me to.  Am I really suppose to be sharing? Do I really have anything to say?  

Like most people, I have gone through many different seasons of life.  Some last weeks, some months or years.  We don’t normally get to choose seasons.  We don’t get to decide when one ends and the next starts.  We just get to live them out.  There are seasons where life feels dark. Where things just seem harder than others.  Then there are some seasons full of life and joy.

I can doubt what God told me to do in the light, as soon as darkness comes.

I love to share and find so much joy in it.  I believe that it is a God given strength that He gave me for His purpose.  Anything that God gives, the enemy will want to take away.

As I sit here writing my thoughts tonight, I am reminded how easy it is for me to doubt. As I cried, saying “I just don’t have anything to give.  Nothing to offer.” my husband looked at me and said “really? because you have been asked to speak by 3 different people in the past 2 weeks.” I started trying to remember all the things that have happened to affirm God’s calling.  There are SO many things.

But friends, in the darkness, those things don’t even seem clear.  I have to try to remember.  I have to remind myself of HIS calling on my life.  To remember the things He spoke to me so clearly in the light.

Today, our sermon was about fear.  What does fear keep us from?  Are we questioning “is this safe?” because God doesn’t call us to safety, He calls us to obedience.  What keeps me from sharing?  FEAR.  Fear that I am not good enough.  That I don’t have anything worth sharing.  Fear tells me it is better to be safe.  I was reminded that being vulnerable, sharing my life, my story- it isn’t safe.  It is scary.  But I know, in the light, that is exactly where God called me to.

What are you allowing fear to keep you from?  What has God shown you in the LIGHT that you are allowing to fall silent in the dark?  Fear can keep us quiet.  Desiring safety can allow us to ignore God’s calling simply because safe feels better.

Tonight I am thankful for those who see something more in me and encourage me to keep going.  For those who see God’s grace in me and give me a chance to share, even when I don’t feel I have anything to say.  I am ever grateful for a handful of women who I know God placed in my life to help remind me of the importance of this calling.  Grateful for a husband who supports and encourages me, who won’t let me give up!

If you are reading this I hope you will be encouraged to keep going after the calling God has given you, even if it feels scary.  Fight the fear friends!

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