Early on in my adult life, a good friend told me that there were “seasons” of life. I remember feeling so relieved to hear this concept. I was happy to know that even though I felt as if things would never be different, that seasons come and go. I have often struggled with wanting to be in a different season then I am in. A lot of the time I don’t even realize that is what I am doing. I have had seasons that are short and pass quickly and some that feel as though they last longer then I would like.
Right now I am in over drive. Over committed, especially on a mental level. I feel over whelmed and exhausted almost daily. Why is this? Why can’t I just shake this? Why does this cycle seem to repeat itself over and over? I have been reflecting and trying to figure it out. I find that when I feel like I do right now, it is because I am needing to be really honest with myself (and maybe to others too) about something. I know that if I am doing the same things over and over and nothing is changing, there is a problem. Who wants to admit that? Who wants to evaluate what they are doing wrong? Not me! That is not fun, but I have found it is the only way for true growth.
I am well aware that I do “too much”. Although when I look at my days, I seem to justify my busy time by saying I just do what I have to. But do I really? This is where I decided to write down all that I do. I included every day things like grocery shopping, meal planning, and laundry. Then I listed things I had committed to such as homeschool, marriage ministry, bible study, leading life group, and then the commitments we had made for the kids, dance, soccer….. I also looked at what I had committed to in my own spiritual journey, Celebrate Recovery, devotions, books. Writing it all out really helped me to gain perspective on how much I really have on my plate.
I started wondering if I was trying to live in the wrong season? I mean there is nothing on my list of things that I don’t want to do. There isn’t anything bad on my list and I really want to do all of it, and probably sometimes even more. I love being active and busy. I truly find so much joy in giving and doing for others. But is it possible that because I am overloaded and unfocused that I am daily missing the blessing of the season I am in? I am committed to fulfilling dreams, passions, and desires that could wait for another season? Am I in a season that should be focused on kissing boo-boos, reading stories, building the character of my children, encouraging my husband, and becoming a healthier me? Have I placed my focus on too many things that the most important ones are suffering in this season?
What would happen if I boldly asked God to reveal to me what He has for me right now. In this season. Would I accept it if God said “Be a mother to your children. Raise them to know and love me. Care for them the way you always wanted to be cared for. Be a good wife to your husband and meet his needs and help him to fulfill his dreams. Continue to grow your life as a follower of me. Seek Me before you commit to things. When you want to do good, make sure it is to show the love of Christ and not for mans approval or praise.” That is truly where I feel like God is calling me…… So what is stopping me now?
Honestly, guilt, fear, and a lack of trust in the Lord. I feel guilty if the kids don’t get to do everything they want to. I feel bad if I have to say no to a very worthy cause. I am sad to disappoint someone by not being there. I am afraid that if I give up things, I will loose my sense of worth. I think that if I am not doing visible good things that no one will see me as good. I try to find my confidence in what others think of me. I feel pressure to keep up with a certain level of busy, or else I am being lazy. I am too focused on the outside world and not enough on my bible, time with God, and investing in my family.
All of that is hard to say and hard to admit. But it is truth….. Stepping out of the dark, into the light. Out of denial, and closer to Jesus……
So now, I am reevaluating priorities. Looking at my list and praying about everything on it. Does it mean backing out of some things for now? Does it mean saying no to things I would like to do? Will I miss some fun opportunities? Will someone possibly be upset with me for saying no? More then likely yes. But if I truly seek God and His will for this season (and every season to come) I trust that I will be fulfilled despite what I am giving up. God is good and His plan and timing are perfect. He doesn’t want us running on empty, exhausted, and overwhelmed. If I am feeling this way, it means that I am doing something He doesn’t have for me. We live in a world where there is always something or someone begging for your time and energy. I am going to choose to enjoy this season I am in and know that there will be a time for other things!