Jessica

Harvey, 365 days later

April 1, 2015April 1, 2015 Jessica

Harvey is ONE! I never shared his birth story, even though I typed it out a few weeks after he was born so I have decided to share it now!

March 31, 2014…. It is Kamden’s birthday! I woke up feeling a little like labor was in the air. But I wasn’t really sure. I had been in pain for weeks and sweet baby boys position had just made me miserable. I had an appointment that morning. I found out at the appointment I was progressing, and was in between a 3-4 and 50% thinned. (sorry for all of you who that is way too much info for, but this a child birth post).

I left and went to pick up a few last minute birthday gifts for Kam. Then I ran to Walmart and picked up a few groceries. By the time I got to the house to eat lunch with the fam, I told Joel I was really thinking I might go into labor that day. He reminded me that I had all the others at 38 weeks and 2 days, and waiting until Friday (it was Monday) was much better for his schedule. Of course we both laughed at that, knowing we don’t have any control.

I had already been praying that I could wait until AFTER Kamden’s birthday. I did not want to miss his day. I was able to go to dinner and Goody’s for dessert. I was having a few contractions throughout the evening but they were not consistent however by 8:45 when we were at Goody’s they were pretty strong. When we got home we got the kids ready for bed and I went ahead and made sure all the bags were ready. By 11:00 I laid down hoping that I could just sleep. I had contractions 10 min apart for an hour and decided I should wake Joel up. By the time he was awake enough to know what was going on, my contractions were now 3 minutes apart and we both knew we had to hurry! We got to the hospital at about 1:00am (had to wait for someone to get here, then we had to drive to the hospital)

It was a very rushed process with lots of skipped procedure (like being admitted before stuff starts happening) But I was between an 8 and 9. They called my doctor and by the time he got there I was ready to have a baby! We will skip all the fun stuff, and jump ahead to 2:20am, when this perfect little boy arrived! He was so gorgeous and wonderful! Funny how all the chaos disappears and you just fall madly in love with this tiny baby they just laid on your chest! He came into this world 2 hours after his big brothers birthday ended, on April fools day! We didn’t text too many people at 2am but I just knew when we told people the next day they would think it was a joke! We sent photo proof with our text the next morning!

For those of you who may not know, Harvey was born with a incomplete unilateral cleft lip and a notch in his gum line. He had surgery July 2014 to repair his lip. He was so incredibly perfect before and I love looking at all of these pictures of him before his surgery! He is just as perfect now though and I kind of feel blessed he has two smiles! Melts my heart!

This boy is so funny! He loves to play with his big brother and sisters! Everyone spoils him rotten though! He is not walking yet, but crawling and climbing on everything he can get to. He has not been a big fan of baby food, table food, bottle OR sippy cup (mom is his favorite!) but he is finally coming around to table food as long as we let him feed himself. He loves pizza, peanutbutter sandwiches, and ice cream. He is obviously a health nut!

I have said it so many times over the last year, but this boy has taught me SO much about life! I don’t know if I will ever be able to express all of the things he has helped me to see. All I know today, is that I am honored to be his mommy. To watch him grow and learn. To be his teacher and guide through life. I look forward to holding his hand as he walks, helping him memorize scripture and showing him what it means to love Jesus.

My prayers are big for this little guy. I pray God gives me all the strength and wisdom I need to be the best mommy I can be for him. That he knows our love for him always and knows he came into this world perfect in our eyes. I pray that he knows Jesus deeply and knows how loved he is by Him.

I’m ending it with this picture, because right now, he points at everything and says “dat” but it is also a good reminder that he is really ONE! Look how smart he is, holding up one finger- hehehe!

Family, My Story

And… He’s 12!

March 31, 2015March 31, 2015 Jessica

I was a nervous 17 year old girl. I had no clue what the next 24 hours would be like, let alone the next 12 years. Joel and I checked into the hospital at 10:00pm to start the induction process the next day. The night was a blur because they had given me something to help me sleep. I woke up the next morning to find out it was time to have a baby without the help of pitocin! Kamden was ready to be born and was not waiting on the doctor! He came into this world quickly into the nurses arms and peed all over her! That sweet 6 pounds 10 ounce baby boy stole our hearts immediately!

I would love to say that the adventures motherhood have been easy, but any mother knows that is not true! However, I am incredibly thankful that God has extended me so much grace and love all these years! I am beyond blessed to be a mother and although I became a mother very young, I am grateful for all the things I have learned through the trials of being a young parent. There have been many hardships over the past 12 years, but God has never wasted anything.

Kamden you are truly a blessing to our family! Your hard work and willingness to help always amazes me. You have a big heart and imagination. You love endlessly and you care for your family. You are smart (oh man you are smart- maybe sometimes too smart!) Your love for reading inspires me to want to jump into the book with you! You can build things incredibly well and I know you will use your hands to create so many amazing things! I love your smile and how it lights up your entire face! Oh and your eyes- they are so genuine. Your curiosity and thirst for knowledge is obvious. I have enjoyed watching God shape your heart and mold you into the young man He desires for you to be. I can’t wait to see where God takes you!

Happy 12th birthday to our amazing boy!

Encouragement, My Story, Uncategorized

The Social Media Snare

March 2, 2015March 2, 2015 Jessica

I open up my Instagram app and start scrolling. I see some cute kiddo’s, some clothes I would love to buy, then I try to quickly pass up this gorgeous photo of a perfect house. It is clean and decorated so well. I stare for a minute and suddenly I feel less happy with my house. There are toys everywhere. I just mopped 2 hours ago but some how there is mud or sticky juice all over it. I fluffed the couch pillows and straightened the blankets but one of my kids came in and decided it looked more like a trampoline. I had actually given up on my house looking together during the day….. until I saw that post on IG.

I was content with my life until I saw that person I follow on IG has started a new campaign to do something awesome! Now suddenly my life feels like it needs more of something. I thought I was a good mom yesterday, but today I find myself feeling like we don’t do enough fun stuff. My husband brought me a magazine home and I thought it was the sweetest thing, but then I saw that someone else’s husband surprised them with a weekend getaway full of planned surprises and gifts. I read my devotional and wanted to share some inspiration, but now after reading someone elses post, mine doesn’t seem worthy any more.

Suddenly I am wondering why everyone else’s pictures look so much better then mine and I have decided that it is probably because they have more natural light in every room of their house. I start plotting a way to take all the sheetrock out and replace it with windows so I can always have pretty light. I decide more windows is what I need and I will just carry my big girl camera around my neck all day. Baby on the hip, camera around my neck, more windows. This MUST be what they do. Then I see that they are hosting a workshop to tell me all their photography tips and secrets to perfect pictures every time. I am a photographer for goodness sake, but suddenly I am feeling like I don’t know anything about the subject, or certainly not enough.

The truth is, there is always someone I can compare myself to on social media (and in real life for that matter). There is always going to be something I see that makes me feel like I should do something different. I see what others are doing or not doing and I start second guessing myself (I should not be eating gluten, sugar, or any of the other junk I slip up and eat!). Don’t get me wrong, I think we can easily let others inspire us to do better, but we have to be careful not to let what others are doing dictate what we choose to do.

“I have compared myself to you and felt like I could never measure up” “you really are super mom, really” In the last few weeks I have been told those things. It honestly didn’t feel great. I try really hard to be honest with my life and be upfront about my shortcomings and struggles. I want to be honest because I feel like it is the only way to cultivate true relationships. Pretending or sugarcoating our lives for social media only complicates things. BUT, after reflecting on how others view me, I decided to really take a look at my posts.

I love to share and so I share moments or cute pictures that make me happy. I get all of my IG feed printed in books so I like to make sure my favorites make it into the book. I post things to encourage others and myself. I try to post trials and struggles, but I see that I only post the hard things when I am finally at a point to get to the other side of it. This is hard for me to admit but I have found myself wanting to post just because I think the picture will probably be well liked….. Why do I do that? Compliments feel good and everyone wants people to like their posts.

I’m not perfect or a supermom. I am real. I mess up all the time. I get in ruts and can’t seem to get out. I don’t post all the yuck. I don’t want to paint a picture of perfection for everyone to see. I allow my own insecurities to run my life most days. This has become very obvious to me when I look at social media. I don’t want to post things that make others feel inadequate but I also don’t want to stop sharing my life. I am trying to find a balance and figure out how to share appropriately for myself.

I have decided to try hard (I’m not perfect so don’t expect this to be either) to post intentionally. I want to make sure that the heart of the post is good. That I am not seeking attention through my post. That I am not fabricating things to make them look better then they are. I know that I am not responsible for the way others perceive me, but I can be intentional about what and how I post things. So what if my house is a complete mess in a photo, you may see it any way! I want to find that balance of being honest and open without being negative and whiney. I want to post things that bring me joy and at the same time make sure they are real.

I want to encourage you to step away from social media for a minute and evaluate how it makes you feel. What are your true motives when you post and how do you allow what you are viewing to affect you? Maybe you are like me and need to take a minute to remember that those who are posting are not perfect, even if they appear to be. Most of all, to remember no one else is walking in my shoes and no ones journey looks just like mine- so I shouldn’t expect mine to look like theirs either. I need to be able to focus on being thankful for what I have and where I am currently, and not so focused on what I am not.

Much love sweet friends!

Family

She’s turning 3!

February 21, 2015 Jessica

Dear Garner,

Tomorrow you are turning 3! You are such an amazing little girl. You are loved by so many people! You have brought us so much joy over these last 3 years and I know you will continue to bring your joy to us daily! You have the biggest personality and everyone can see it. You are very strong willed which can be difficult but we are thankful and know one day that strong will is going to do great things! You know exactly what you want and you aren’t afraid to ask for it. God has big plans for your little life!

You are hilarious and make us laugh every day! You loved telling knock knock jokes and even made one up this year. “knock knock- whose there? Birdie- Birdie who? Cow poop birdie” I know, its not that funny, but it is when you tell it! We have so much fun playing with you and watching your imagination shine. Just last week you told everyone at church you had super powers in the buttons on your sleeves.

You love animals and seeing the baby farm animals makes you very happy. Being outside is one of your favorite places to be. I love watching you swing and hearing the joy in your laughter and the smile on your face as you swing higher and higher! You beam when you smile sweet girl!

You love your family. Your big sister is your best friend and I think you would both be lost without each other. I pray that never changes! You and your big brother are sweet together too. I can see how much you love him when you ask him a million questions and his smile back at you says it all! And lets talk about that baby brother- You may love him more then he wants to be loved! You ask me all the time if you can have a sleep over with Harvey. You are becoming more of a daddy’s girl and that melts my heart almost as much as it melts his. You love riding on the tractor with daddy and helping him outside. You are such a good helper to mommy too. From helping with dishes and laundry to cooking and picking up!

Right now some of your favorites are: Chocolate, dancing, minnie mouse, pink & purple, dresses, preschool, bubble gum, macaroni & cheese, and cowboy boots to name a few.

Garner, we love you so much and you bless us big time every day! Our prayer for you is that you never loose that bright personality and that you will continue to love others. That you will allow God to shape and mold your life and do great things for His Kingdom! You are an amazing little girl!

Farm Diaries

Farm Diaries: Volume 1

February 7, 2015February 7, 2015 Jessica

So my dear husband, aka The Farmer, was gone for 6 days. I think he feels like thats an exaggeration, but I do not. He left Sunday at 4:00 PM and got home Saturday at 2:00am. I call that 6 days. It is at least 6 nights- right?? Any way, that is totally beside the point. If you know me (surely someone reading this doesn’t), you know that I am NOT a farm girl. I am not even a country girl, yet I find myself here, on the farm, in the country. I don’t do dirty, stinky, hot, cold, bugs, critters, and so on. I don’t like it. I love sitting on the porch swing when it is 75 degrees with a light breeze- that is about as outdoorsy as I get! With all of that said, you can imagine leaving me with a FARM for 6 DAYS is probably not ideal. Luckily our almost 12 year old is a much better suited care taker then I am. When the farmer left, we had 18 chickens, 3 goats (two of which are pregnant), 1 cow, 3 pigs (one of which is pregnant), 6 piglets, a rabbit, a dog and a cat. (for all you real farmers, I know this isn’t much, but it is a lot to me!)

Day 1 goes off without a hitch. All animals are cared for and accounted for.

Day 2. I wake up to have coffee before everyone else. I watch out the window to see two of our 3 goats. I keep watching waiting for Mabel to come by. She doesnt. I know right then, there are baby goats. This gets me all sorts of excited! I don’t love yucky farm stuff but I LOVE babies of any kind. I run to wake up the farmer boy to tell him. He goes out and comes back in to tell me the news. There were triplets…. were….. 2 of them didn’t make it. I rush outside to see if we can save the babies but it is too late. We are all sad but love on the one baby that is left and we are all thankful she is ok. Fast forward a little while….. I don’t really know what to do with the babies who didn’t make it. We go out to see about everything and I see our dog…. EATING the babies. I start crying and screaming. I have my farmer boy keep the dog away from the babies. I run inside and grab gloves and bags. My sweet boy offers to do it all (thank goodness) so he scoops them up and takes them off for me.

Day 3. Momma goat still hasn’t passed all her after birth so I text a farm friend (because again, I am clueless and have NO idea what I am doing). He informs me I need to catch her and pull it out. Do what??? I will spare you all the things I text to my husband and skip to him sending a friend over to help this clueless farmers wife. We manage to eventually catch the goat. I say we, but I didn’t do much, other then run around…. a little. The goat is now all better!

Day 4. Time to feed the pigs and farmer boy is gone way too long. I knew something was probably up. I yell (it is a long way down there) He informs me that she had the babies all I hear is “there are only 5 left” So I know that some have died. I throw on some different shoes and run down there. Did I mention that she was in her furrowing pin but decided to break out the day before?? Well she did! So now she is just in the middle of the field. When I get there it is bad. 16 babies were born. 7 died at birth, 4 died shortly after birth, and now there are 5. I had never seen anything like this and I had no idea what to do. I call our farmer friend (again) who has been raising pigs for years. He informs me we have to get her back into the furrowing pin and that he is on his way. Shortly after hanging up the momma rolls over on a baby. I start crying and yelling and pushing her (she weighs like 400 pounds) and eventually we got the piglet out. But the poor thing wasn’t moving much at all and I had a feeling it was going to die. Fast forward and our friend saved the day! He was kind enough to clean up the mess AND get her in the pin. I don’t know what I would have done without him coming by to help or without our little farm boy! Later that day the crushed piggy died which broke my heart again.

Joel finally comes home and Saturday night after the kids are sleeping we are sitting on the couch and I hear what sounds like baby goats. I look at him and say “I am pretty sure Lucy had her babies!” We grab a flash light and sure enough, she did! We worked to make sure everything was ok and babies and momma were nice and warm. I was so thankful that he was home for this birth!

I am sad I didn’t start blogging all our farm mishaps before now….. Because they always seem very comical after the fact! I have realized talking to other people who have farms that everything we deal with is normal, but non farm folks seem to find lots of humor and disbelief in it all! I am sure there will be more to come!

Uncategorized

It’s Finally Fall!

October 30, 2014 Jessica

I have always loved fall! There is something about the colors, the temperature, the food, boots and sweaters! I woke up yesterday and it smelled like fall. It felt like fall. The crisp air made me smile big! I hate being cold, but there is something about the need for a sweater and a hot cup of something yummy (apple cider is one of my favorites this time of year) that just makes me happy! I love sitting around the fire pit talking and enjoying family and friends. I love eating soup on a cool day or a pumpkin muffin for breakfast. Fall is a time people stop and reflect their blessings. We recall what we are thankful for and look forward to the holidays that are approaching.

Another one of my favorite things about fall is the decorations! This year I decided to just decorate our small porch. We come in and out through the side porch so I decided to just focus on that area this year. We are in the middle of renovations everywhere but I really wanted a little fall happiness when you came in!

I started by walking out in the fields here and gathering up weeds, berries, dead grass, and who knows what else I got. I am just making it up the “what” because I just picked up things that looked pretty and “fallish”. I already had these two planters on my porch so I filled them up with small pumpkins and my field finds. I have this wagon that was red at one point. I painted it aqua and let it naturally weather (meaning we forgot to put it up it was just left outside and the rain and elements aged it up nicely) over the years. I thought it would be the perfect pumpkin holder and it is! I used an old crate, more of the stuff I gathered from the field that I bunched up and tied with twine, of course more pumpkins and this wood sign I made. My husband build the sign really quick using scrap lumber and then I stained it dark brown. I wanted to paint the words “grateful, thankful, blessed” on it. I am no artist though! I found a font I liked and then tried to copy it the best I could. I couldn’t see the pencil marks because of the dark wood so I used chalk! When I was ready to paint, I took a damp cloth and blotted the chalk so it was very faint and no extra chalk was on the wood. Once it dried I went back with the wet cloth and got any left over chalk off. This porch is so small it is hard to get a good “big picture” of it, but you can get the idea of all the elements together. We recently got new screen doors and stained them dark. I love them! Nothing like letting that fall air in the house all day! The pumpkin “welcome” sign is from Cross My Art, they do the most amazing work!
So happy with the way the porch turned out!

Cleft Lip, Family, My Story

Post Op Update (better late then never!)

September 26, 2014September 26, 2014 Jessica

We are now 11 weeks post surgery. Harvey has recovered nicely and his scar is healing well. I am so happy to have the surgery behind us and to just be able to enjoy this sweet boy! He brings so much joy to us every day! He is almost 6 months old (just a few days away from it!) He is rolling around and already trying to crawl. He has been completely healthy and at our last check up on his lip, they had no concerns and said he was doing great!

Because I have had a few people following us that are going through their own cleft journey, I wanted to just share a little more about how things went after surgery (I meant to share sooner, but just haven’t gotten around to it!)

The first week was really rough and a little bit harder than we anticipated. Eating was a challenge. He was in pain and just didn’t want to eat. He was very fussy and did not want to be put down either, not even when he slept. All of this is understandable after having surgery and having around 50 stitches in your lip! It was a long week, but the day we got the stitches removed Harvey returned to his old self, happy and eating like a champ! If you are interested in seeing all of our posts about this cleft journey you can find them here or by clicking on the category “cleft lip”. If you are just now starting to read, you can see some before pictures too.

Here are a few pictures to show his journey after the stitches came out! Most are just from my phone because with 4 kiddo’s I just don’t seem to pull out the real camera regularly, but you can still see how wonderful our team did! Arkansas Children’s Hospital is simply amazing!

Harvey was super flirty with the nurse that did his admission vitals. He smiled at her the entire time!

This was right before they took him back for the suture removal. It was still hard for them to take your baby to do anything, but knowing the anesthesia was light and it was going to be so quick made it a lot easier!

This is the first picture of his lip after the stitches were taken out. I couldn’t believe how good it looked!

This one is probably about 5 weeks after the stitches were taken out.

All of these pictures are recent, taken last week. Harvey is very expressive. His smiles are big and his serious face is also very priceless!

This is classic Harvey! Smiling big with his tongue sticking out!

I think you can see his lip best here. We still have some scar tissue to get rid of but over all, it looks amazing! We have one gorgeous boy!

Encouragement, My Story

The truth about happily ever after

September 22, 2014 Jessica

Yesterday Joel and I celebrated 11 years of marriage. Really, it feels like a pretty big accomplishment now days. Every year of marriage is a reason to celebrate! This past year I have realized a lot about marriage.

There seems to be some sort of fairy tale perception of marriage. Some how we have these expectations to live up to and you must be happy all of the time. Your marriage must look like a story book picture of perfection and if by some off chance you slip up and let someone know that your marriage isn’t perfect, then you feel like you are going to be deemed a failure immediately.

I have seen and heard women over the years say things like “I can’t let anyone know my short comings or failures in my marriage because we know others look up to us” I started seeing a problem. We were setting a standard by hiding our problems. A standard that NO ONE can live up to. I realized that marriage was now made to be some unobtainable fairytale that was destined to fail with the expectations that are being placed on it. No wonder relationships are failing! You have all of these couples out there striving to be perfect and pretending to be too, because they are too scared to admit that it isn’t

I started trying to seek the help of other married folks a long time ago. People who had been married for a long time and who I knew had good advice. In asking over the years, you know what I found out? Marriage is hard. I always thought there would be some sort of magic number and that after that marriage got easy! I was even told that if you could make it to year 7, you could make it. I remember really thinking that if we could get to 7 we were golden! But guess what? Years 7-11 haven’t been easy either!

Marriage takes work. Continuous work. It takes commitment to stick it out and work out every problem that comes up. The hard truth is the problems in my marriage that I feel like should be resolved already, are just a result of two sinners being married and living in the same house. Obviously we want to work on our problems and not excuse them, but what I don’t hear anyone saying is “it is perfectly normally to have problems”.

I want to squash the lie that a good marriage means a marriage without problems. It is just not true. A good marriage communicates and works through problems when they come up. They find a way to navigate through their issues. They don’t give up on each other, they don’t point fingers and blame. A good marriage doesn’t hold a grudge. A good marriage chooses to see the good in their spouse and love them right where they are. To support them and commit to growing along side of them. A good marriage knows and understand that neither person is perfect and both individuals have strengths and weaknesses. It puts pride aside and lifts the other person up. It looks to biblical principals, leans on God, and puts their trust in Him. A good marriage just simply chooses to never give up.

So today, freshly entering my 12th year of marriage, I can say that my marriage isn’t perfect at all but it is good. It is good because we continue to choose to work on it. We keep evaluating ourselves and our actions, learning from our mistakes, and always forgiving one another when we make mistakes (because we do!) We are commited to making our marriage better, not perfect. We decided we will not give up on each other or our marriage, no matter how hard things get.

If you are reading this and feel like you are alone and maybe your marriage is the only one that has hard times, please let me encourage you that you are not alone! Please don’t give up! Know that it is hard work, but it is worth it when you put the work in and start seeing the fruit! Trust God, lean on Him, and find another couple you can trust and count on to give sound advice. On the other hand, if you are couple who doesn’t like to share your trials, can I encourage you to pray about opportunities to be honest with others, so that your experiences can encourage other couples to not throw in the towel when it gets difficult? To share with them that there are difficulties but they can get through them.

Encouragement, My Story, Uncategorized

Never Underestimate

July 24, 2014February 3, 2016 Jessica

When problems arise and you are looking for answers sometimes the answers can seem nonexistent, overwhelming, or unobtainable. I often pray about things and sometimes I feel like God is telling me the answer but I will quickly dismiss it because the answer just seems too big.

I keep seeing needs and I have dismissed them. They aren’t mine to deal with. They are bigger then me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it. But all the while, I keep hearing God say, Do something. But God, I don’t know if I have any more energy. Do something. Well I would but I just don’t think that will work right now. Do something. Ok God, I will do something, but I will need to wait until the time is right and the circumstances all line up because right now it just doesn’t seem like it will fit. DO SOMETHING.

I am just an tired mom. I am, really. I go to bed tired and sometimes I wake up tired. Lets face it, sometimes I stay worn out in between! I feel like there are people around me who need me though. I think the church needs me. They need me to stop saying “but I am just a mom, there isn’t any more I can do” and I need to start saying “I am just a mom and that is all I can manage BUT God can manage much more and I am going to let Him use to me do it!”

Sometimes I think we all underestimate the power we have as individuals. What happens when you use your gifts and talents to set peoples hearts on fire for Jesus? Lets stop saying we can’t and start realizing God can. What impact can YOU have on one other person? It is a domino effect because the one (or more) that you choose to invest in will invest in others.

So guess what? I am going to stop telling God “that is too big” and I am going to start saying “God that is way too big for me alone, but I will do it and will need you to be my guide and my strength.” I know I can’t but I know He can. I am going to stop looking at all of the reasons why it can’t work and start finding all the reasons why it can. Stop making excuses and start seeking Gods answers to these problems. There is no better time then now and I know if God calls me to it, he will equip me with what I need to see it through!

**Disclaimer** I know that there are seasons where being a mom is really all we can do. I have been there! I am posting this as encouragement. I am feeling God ask me to do some things and this is just meant to encourage others who feel called to not allow things that seem too BIG stop them from following through. There are seasons, and I don’t want anyone to feel like I am trying to tell you to do more then you should. Please pray and ask for discernment for your situation but know that if God calls you to it, He will equip you to do it- even when it doesn’t seem like you can!

Cleft Lip, Encouragement

Harvey’s New Lip

July 14, 2014July 15, 2014 Jessica

Walking into to Arkansas Children’s Hospital at 5:30am for our sons surgery seemed surreal. I looked around at all the other families who had gotten up early, not fed their child breakfast to come and sit and wait on surgery. I wondered what their stories were and why they were there. I was handed a pager and told that it would buzz throughout the day as they needed us. We took a seat to wait, and then we bowed our heads and prayed in the waiting room.

A few minutes would pass and then the pager went off. It was just admissions. It was just paper work. I finished and took a seat again. It wasn’t long before the pager went off again. This time, it was a nurse who needed to start the pre-op process. Weight, length, blood pressure, and so on. Then we were taken back to a room where we would be given more information, changed into a hospital outfit and we would wait some more. Here, in that moment of waiting, I think my nerves really started to rise. I wasn’t a mess yet, which surprised me but I think reality was sinking in. They came in and pricked his foot to get some blood. It was a difficult process. Lots of tears, screaming, fighting and in the end, the sample clotted leaving them no choice but to do it again. My heart sank and I was sick. I watched him in pain already once and didn’t want to see it again. I prayed. The second time was actually no big deal. It was fairly quick and easy with only a few tears.

Doctors and nurses flooded in giving us more information and explaining the process and of course the risks. It was almost time for the surgery to start and I knew it would be happening soon. The wonderful nurse who is the cleft team coordinator was in the room talking with us. She is the one who takes him back to the OR. She always makes me feels so at ease. She was telling me not to worry. She then said “next time you see him he will have a new lip” and I lost it. I cried hard “But I like this lip!” I kissed all over him and squeezed him tight and walked away from our baby.

I know that they do this all the time. I know that this surgery isn’t the scariest surgery. But he is mine. My baby and regardless, It is heart wrenching handing him to someone and walking away, knowing they will put him to sleep, cut, and stitch him. The emotions were high for me.

We were told they would let us know after he was asleep and intubated. It was about 30 minutes in the waiting room but it seemed much longer. When I saw her (the nurse) coming to talk to us, my heart jumped. “He is fine, he is doing great!” Relief! She explained that they had just got everything done and had started the actual surgery. She stayed and visited with us for a while and my mind was eased. We would get updates every hour so we were just waiting for the pager to go off. I was anxious and wanted time to pass quickly. I was able to keep the tears inside while we were waiting.

3 hours after we handed our baby off, they paged us to tell us the doctor was ready to talk to us. He tells us how great it went, a little bit of what to expect when we see him, and some of the care instructions. I was somewhat relieved but he wasn’t awake yet and we hadn’t seen him, so I was still anxious.

Another 30 minute wait in the waiting room, we were paged to recovery. I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that I would have. He had woken up too quickly (not during the procedure but when they started waking him up), so they had to give him another drug. When we were seeing him he hadn’t fully woken up. He was swollen, red, stitched up, and he looked so sad. The water works were on. When he woke up screaming my heart was breaking and I couldn’t keep it in. I am pretty sure the nurse thought I was nuts. She kept saying “oh he looks so good!” I kept saying “he looked so good before!” I realized that there was some resentment towards her- Does she even know how beautiful this baby boy is? How gorgeous he was when I walked in this morning? She is saying he looks so good and all I can think is my baby looked wonderful before and now he is in pain.

I wasn’t truly prepared for the emotion that would come from his lip being different. I knew the actual procedure would have me nervous and concerned but seeing him look so different was was so difficult.

I would like to say that my emotions calmed and Harvey was just as calm. But the hours that followed were hard. He would just scream and cry. Nothing made it better. They were giving him pain meds and it would help for a little while but he would just frail about and cry. There was a baby bed beside the chair in his room but if I laid him down he screamed even more. I held him the entire time we were there. He wasn’t wanting to eat (who could blame him) so I was pumping milk and trying to feed him with a syringe. But he didn’t like that either. This was so sad to me as well.

I was exhausted from lack of sleep, the heightened emotions, and caring for our baby. Harvey did eventually eat twice the first day. We were able to go home the next day around 10:30am. We were so thankful that he was getting that IV out and all the wires were unhooked. We could go home and care for him in comfort!

We have now been home a little over 24 hours. Harvey has given me a few smiles today which has totally blessed me! Today is much better then yesterday but he is still uncomfortable. He wants to be held and rocked or wants to lay on my chest while I pat his back. His swelling is down and he looks much better. I know with the coming days it will just get better and better.

This experience has opened my eyes to how much kindness I am surrounded by. From the wonderful friends who let our older kids stay with them for 2 nights, to the amazing friend who surprised me and cleaned my ENTIRE house and washed my sheets so I could come home to a clean house, to the friends bringing meals so we don’t have to cook these first few days home with him, the guys who came and took care of all of our animals, to the outpouring of prayers, comments, and encouragement that have come from Instagram, Facebook, text messages and phone calls.

I am so thankful that ACH is such an amazing hospital with an amazing staff. Our experience with the hospital was great! I am happy that this is behind us and we can move forward. I am happy that God is so good and gave us just what we needed when we needed it throughout the entire process.

Here is to Harvey and his new lip!