All the things

In the spring I announced I would be letting go of my photography business after 12 years of capturing memories for my wonderful clients.  It was a choice I didn’t take lightly and it took a lot for me to let go of something I had loved so much.

I needed a break and some time to just be.  During these last few months I have realized how much I have missed having a creative outlet.  I love to create.

One day I was online looking for something and I stumbled upon a business I had never seen before- Alice’s Table.  The little blip I saw said something like “Getting women together to learn flower arranging in a fun social setting”  I was intrigued.  I started researching and quickly decided this looks like my DREAM JOB!

If you know me, you know I love floral, entertaining, and being social!  A “job” where I would get to teach others to arrange flowers, host events, and get to hang out with new people all the time, I am in!

Over the course of a few weeks, I went from interested to excited, to becoming an Event Exec with Alice’s Table!  I am so excited to bring this fun experience to our area!

Events are held just about anywhere- restaurant, winery, brewery, boutique, coffee shop, your home or office- the possibilities are endless!  At the events I will be teaching groups of friends and acquaintances how to design beautiful bouquets. Each guest will have the chance to craft an exquisite arrangement that they take home in a stylish vase.  If you are interested in hosting a private event, please let me know!

Details for my first public event will be coming soon!  You will not want to miss it!

Thank you to all of my friends and family for always supporting me!  I can’t wait to share Alice’s Table with you! 

How many times have you decided everything you think about someone from their social media feed?  I am guilty.  I see how happy someone looks or how much fun they are having.  How perfect their house looks. Are they lying in their feed?  Are they really that happy?  Are things in their life really always that perfect?

I am a pretty open sharer.  I like to share my life and do it fairly often on social media.  For me personally, my social media sharing is to serve several purposes.  The first one is to share our life with family and friends that wouldn’t get to see whats going on with us other wise.  The second is as an opportunity to encourage others and share Jesus’ love.  Third is to document our days in my chatbook series. (if you don’t know what chatbooks are, look them up!  so wonderful!)   So if you look at my Instagram feed, you are going to see lots of regular, every day life pictures.  Most of what I post is happy, although I do try to be transparent about the hard stuff too.

Something that I have realized, is how often people make opinions about other peoples lives, solely on their social media.  When we only have a portion of the story it is easy to use the little bit we know to start setting expectations for ourselves.  I have done this so many times and I have even heard other people say things about me like “you have it all together, you are super mom!” When that is the furthest thing from the truth.

I have looked back at what I post.  I wanted to see if I am regularly posting things that aren’t reality.  The truth is, I don’t stage my photos (I might move something out of the frame) or my moments, but my social media certainly isn’t giving the whole story.

So here are 6 reasons you shouldn’t judge my life on my social media.

1. I don’t share every second of my day.  You may see the sweet sleeping toddler but you sure didn’t see the fit he threw right before he fell asleep.
2. I enjoy documenting my life in photos.  It truly makes me happy.  When I see an opportunity for a picture, I usually take it.  I don’t post them all.  I currently have 10,088 photos and 534 videos on my phone.  That is normal right?  My point is this, You don’t see it all.  At the end of the day, I hand my husband my phone and we look at the pictures from the day as I recap all we did.  I have photographed fights, fits, messes, just as much as the hugs, smiles, and snuggles.  But I reserve sharing the details.  Not posting them doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
3. I save some of my raw emotions, deeper thoughts, and stories of trial for a more personal place.  I blog some of my crazy life experiences and stories of trials and over coming but if you really want to get to know me, lets do it in person.  I will share and open up about most things in a face to face conversation.  Social media isn’t the place to tell all.
4. I don’t want to focus on the negative.  I have to fight the urge to only see the negative in my life so posting the good stuff helps me to remember those moments.  I don’t forget the bad, but it helps me to still see the good.  I have had someone say “looks like you had a great day” based on what I posted, but the reality is, I faced so many difficulties that I certainly didn’t stick that day in the great day category BUT I posted the good stuff, despite the bad, because I struggle to see the good when I recap my day.
5. I have insecurities.  Some of my insecurities keep me from sharing on social media.  OR sometimes those insecurities are behind me posting.
6. Sometimes the hard parts of my day aren’t mine to share.  There are difficulties I face that include other people and sharing that on social media would be telling someone else’s story that isn’t mine to share.

I know that this isn’t the truth for everyone’s social media but I wanted to give perspective as to how dangerous it is to form opinions solely on social media.  All of us have reasons why we post what we do, but rarely do we get the whole picture from a post. Before you form an opinion from social media, remember that the person posting is a flawed human, who makes mistakes, faces trials, endures hardships, and is probably just trying to survive life just like you!  No kid is perfect, no marriage is perfect, no life is perfect and when we see something that we feel reflects that on social media we can take comfort in knowing we aren’t seeing it all!

 

 

 

I have misplaced my identity. At first I thought I had lost it, but when I really stop to contemplate this, I realize it isn’t lost, but rather misplaced.

From the time that I was young I loved capturing memories. I always had a camera in my hand taking pictures of everything. If you came to my house growing up, you were going to be in a photo shoot. Then in high school I took photo journalism and loved every second of it and especially learning to develop film in the dark room. Taking pictures has always been a second nature to me.

When we started a family, my passion for pictures was obvious.  To say our kids are well documented is an understatement.  After our second child was born, I started taking pictures for other people which would start a journey that would eventually become a full time career and a big part of where I found my identity.

For years I spent time building my business. I loved being creative, meeting new people, forming relationships with clients, and truly connecting with my subjects. I loved seeing the finished product and knowing that I had captured memories for my sweet friends. What initially I thought might just be for fun, turned into so much more. Before I knew it, I had made a name for myself. People started recognizing my name. I started hearing “Oh you are a photographer! I have seen your work!” My husband would be places and people would say “You are Jessica Meinardus’ husband? The photographer?” Friends would introduce me as Jessica Meinardus- the photographer. It took me years to call myself a photographer, but when people started identifying me that way, I too started to identify with it.

After 7 years of being a full time photographer, we had our 3rd child. We decided I needed to cut back and be part time. By the time I had our 4th baby (2 years later) we knew it was best for our family to take a break completely, so I did. At the time I didn’t really have any intentions of picking it back up but in between our 4th and 5th babies, I longed for what was missing, so naturally, I started taking pictures again.

But what exactly was I missing? Was it really taking pictures? No. I was missing that place where I felt I fit.  My love language is Words of Affirmation.  When I was taking pictures regularly I was getting feedback constantly that said I was good. That I was doing something right.  I was making a difference.  I was talented. I had become so reliant not only on my identity as a photographer, but also on praise that came with it. My main job now is motherhood and in motherhood there is not a lot of true, immediate affirmations!  Sure, other people say I am a great mom, but my 5 year old told me she wanted a new mom yesterday, so theres that.

As painful as it is for me to admit, I know that I have let my need for affirmation and my desire to feel I have a place in this world drive me. I have found my identity in what I do for so long, which at times has provided instant gratification, but eventually it leaves me empty and looking for something else.  I have found myself exhausted trying to feel like I have a place that I fit, a place where I feel enough.

What I have always known to be true, but have fought for so long is that my identity isn’t found in what I do or who I am, but rather whose I am.  My identity must be found in Christ and who He says I am.  This isn’t a new concept for me but rather something I have treated like I could handle better.  For several years I feel God has called me to something specific and although I haven’t completely ignored it, I haven’t been completely obedient either.  I have allowed fear to keep from letting go of certain things- fear of loosing a title that made me feel like I had relevance and the fear of loosing my source for affirmation.  I want to give God control of my life and allow Him to fully guide my paths, but each time I give him control, I take it back.   I feel Him nudge me, and I say “yes, I trust you”.  But then, I find myself in panic- wait, this doesn’t feel right.  Who am I?  Am I enough?  Then, instead of running back to Him, the one I just said “I trust you” to, I take back control and push away those truths- Who am I?  I am HIS!  I now see how easy it is to place our identity in something other than Jesus.

This is a journey.  It isn’t suppose to be a life of instant gratification. Choosing a life rooted in my identity in Christ, is full of His affirmation but that doesn’t look like the affirmation the world gives us. I’m trusting Him with my needs and my journey to a deeper understanding of His love.

Sometimes we have to fully surrender things in order for God to show us what is next. For a long time I have tried and failed to surrender the identity I formed in being a photographer. But I am ready for what is next- whatever that is. So, I am giving up the title that I have held onto for so long. My talent didn’t disappear and my desire to capture life on my camera is here to stay, but I am not Jessica the photographer. (and if I have already told you I would take pictures- don’t worry, I am not breaking any of my current commitments)  This is not an easy post to type out.  It isn’t easy to admit my struggles or to say goodbye to career that I have loved for 12 years, but I know that this is right.

I am still a creative soul who loves to share, encourage, and create so I plan to continue to share openly and honestly. I hope you will continue to join me! I have started a Facebook and Instagram page (houseofmeinardus) that I hope to share daily encouragement/real life, through pictures and words, and I hope to keep blogging regularly.  Thank you friends, for your continued support in my journey!

 

I woke up exhausted which isn’t unusual for me.  I got up in the middle of the night with one of our kids- who can even remember which one it was this time.  Everyday I want so badly to wake up before everyone else so I can drink my coffee, read my bible, and have me time.  I have no idea when the last time that happened.  Most of the time, one of two things happen- either I had a long night so I hit snooze too many times, and do not have any time for “me time” or someone decides to wake up earlier than normal and they need me right NOW.  Exhausted is the name of the game.

It was Monday.  A Monday after a long weekend full of busy and rush.  Not only had I woke up exhausted, I already felt defeated.  I knew that the day was going to be a tough one before it started and my attitude already reflected that.  Today was day 1 in potty training boot camp.  I was going to do my best to get my sweet but stubborn boy potty trained.  Two weeks prior he started hating poopy diapers (I mean, who doesn’t??) and taking them off as soon as he pooped, without warning or telling anyone.  I would find him naked with poop wherever he was.  He had wiped poop on the couch, his shirt, the floor.  I was DONE.  So operation potty train was in full swing.

By 10:00, he had already peed in the floor twice, the dog had puked on my new rug, and the baby had barely stopped crying.  I found myself running from one child to the next.  Someone was either crying, peeing, puking, whining, hungry, discontent with life.  I realized I hadn’t had a real adult conversation in days.  Sure, I had seen another adult but I hadn’t had any quality time with one.  I wish I could clearly communicate how difficult life seemed.  I cried all day.  I felt alone.  It all seemed hopeless.  I was unhappy and it continued all.day.long.

I kept thinking about how badly I would love to read a book, drink coffee, have nice things that no one was wiping poop on.  I just want to feel normal.  I want to be able to go to the bathroom without fear of what is happening while I am in there.  I want regular adult interaction.  I want sleep.  I don’t want to hear whining any more.  No fighting.  No messes.  I just want to run away to a a quiet beach.  I want to feel like I have purpose and meaning- like I matter.  3 & 5 year olds don’t give you much praise- and often times they give the complete opposite!

By the afternoon I found myself taking a breather and trying to sort through all the things in my brain.  I was so unhappy.  I kept asking myself what I was doing. Why in the world did I have 5 kids?  At this point I felt like this was a crazy question to be asking.  I mean I have 5 kids. I am now talking to myself outloud.  “Ok,  life is full of choices.  People make choices all the time.  If you go to college and get a degree and start working and realize that you spent all this time on a degree for a job you don’t actually like, you can switch careers.  Or if you are in a job that doesn’t fit or you don’t enjoy, you can get another one.  What about motherhood?  What happens when you find yourself so discontent and unhappy in Motherhood?  This isn’t a job you just change and find a new one.  What happens when you feel trapped by motherhood?”  I didn’t immediately have an answer.  I know that people do run away from their lives- but even in the thick, I knew that I wasn’t going to really run away.  I love my kids with all I have and I want to be a mom- but it is hard.

I text a friend and then ended up calling my husband, which I try not to do.  I was in a place I didn’t feel like I could get out of on my own but knew I desperately needed to get out.  I was a mess.  My sweet husband had reminded me that it won’t always be like this.  I felt like Allyson in the movie Mom’s Night Out.  She’s a hot mess most days and her life seems to constantly be in a state of chaos.  At one point her friend assures her “it will get better! in 3-5 years”  I am sure my face resembled her look of disappointment when my husband tried to encourage me by saying it is not forever.  In that moment, that was not a statement full of hope for me.

By bedtime my heart was still heavy.  I went to sleep feeling like I had to figure things out.  I wanted more than anything for my feelings to shift into a more positive light.  The next few days I thought through all my feelings and searched for answers.  I am not sure if there is such a thing as THE answer, but I wanted to remember what I had done in the past and possibly find new ways to combat the difficult seasons of motherhood.  Here is what I came up with!

1.) Embrace the difficult.  Don’t dress it up.  Don’t try to make it pretty.  Motherhood is hard at times.  There are challenges and difficult stages.  A few weeks ago our pastor said “life is meant to be enjoyed even when it has to be endured.”  I love this and have held onto those words daily.  I have found that when I allow the moments to just be- difficult, hard, challenging, exhausting, then I can accept them that way, rather than trying to wrestle with them and make them into something prettier.

2.) Find a pick me up person.  Find a person or an entire flock of people, who you can call or text when you are in the pit.  When you find yourself wanting to run away or quit, have those people on speed dial.  If you don’t have that person, let me know- I am serious! We all need someone who can love us and encourage us right where we are- even if we are being irrational.  We need someone who we know will love us when that moment is over and we are back to loving life again.

3.) Seek truth.  The truth is always there, even in the lies.  When life is throwing us lots of challenges and we find ourselves teetering on the edge of sanity, the lies often seem a lot louder than the truth.  It is in these moments we have to intentionally seek truth.  Remind yourself that there is another side and you will get there.  You aren’t going to stay stuck in the yuck!

4.) Switch perspective.  Hold tight to the power you have in changing perspective.  I have learned that my perspective is a powerful tool.  A lot of times, especially in the hard times, I naturally sees the worst of the worst.  But that is just not the truth!  There is always another way to look at things and learning to see a better perspective helps me get through those hard moments.

5.) Change scenery.  If things seem to be falling apart, sometimes changing scenery can benefit you and your kids.  Go outside, hop in the car and take a drive, change activities.  Just do something different.  A lot of times fresh air and and a new scene will help everyone change gears.

6.) Take a break.  This isn’t easy for me to figure out all the time.  But I have learned that to be a healthy mom, I have to take a break.  There have been times we have a recurring babysitter each week to allow me out of the house alone.  We just made the choice to add that to the budget.  Other times, I have made sure that if the kids nap, I either take a nap too or I chill on the couch in silence.  We have all done this one- hide in the closet or bathroom for a few minutes.  Taking a break will look different for each of us.  Maybe you need coffee with a friend or a date with your husband.  Evaluate your needs and do what you have to so that they are getting met AND then, don’t feel guilty about it!

7.) Pray.  I can’t tell you how much peace I feel when I stop and pray during the chaos.  It doesn’t make the chaos go away but it does bring me peace!

8.) Rationalize your expectations.  So I often have some crazy expectations of what I should be as a mom, how my kids should be, what our day looks like…… I have found that a lot of times, when I find myself completely unraveled, I have some expectations that have completely been shot.  Giving my expectations a reboot really helps.

9.) Give yourself some grace!  Seriously, this one is big!  My rule is to always ask myself “if my friend called me and told me what is going on, what would I say to her? Would I extend her grace, love, and encouragement?”  And if the answer is yes (it always is)  then I know I have to give myself that same thing!  Motherhood is hard enough, we don’t need to beat ourselves up!

10.) Remember you are not alone!  When I am in those moments that feel impossible, I typically feel very alone.  There usually isn’t another adult around and I am surrounded by children.  I feel like I am probably the only mom struggling.  Guess what?  You are not alone Momma!  Everyone struggles.  Whatever you are feeling, lots of other moms are feeling it too.  Sometimes it is really hard to admit it because it almost feels like we are saying we don’t love our jobs as moms, but seriously, no one loves their job all the time!  Being a mom is so hard and the best thing we can do is support and love each other in this journey!  Lets be honest with each other so no one ever feels alone!

Momma, in this life that is full of never-ending demands, we all find ourselves in moments where nothing seems to help.  Grace, just grace.  It is hard, it isn’t always fun, but it is always worth it.  God has trusted us with these babies and His grace is enough to cover all the difficult, demanding, lonely, places.