My parents divorced when I was little. My dad was not a constant in my childhood. The older I got, the more I saw him. I pushed for him to be in my life, especially in my early teen years. As a kid I just saw my dad as this cool, music loving, hippy. I didn’t understand the complicated things. I just knew I wanted to be around him more.
When I was about 14 my dad decided to quit his job. He walked out one night after getting upset with his boss. He had no plan and his free spirit seemed to be leading him. He decided he was done working for the man and I remember him vowing to never work for someone else again. He lived off his savings and 401K that he withdrew. Eventually that ran out. He had no money for rent so he became homeless. He had no money to pay for his truck, so they took it back. I remember wanting nothing more than to help him. I begged my mother to let him stay with us and she did- for months.
After he over stayed his welcome he started what he would keep up for the next 15 years. He would live from place to place until he over stayed his welcome. I was his advocate for a long time. I would make sure he was taken care of. I took him food and gave him some money over the years. He lived with us more times than I can count. I wasn’t alone in this, as there were several of us who were constantly taking turns.
At some point, I started getting a little resentful. I was always doing for him. Each time he would come to stay with us, it came with a promise. This promise was that it was temporary and that he would get a job and save to be on his own. Each time his stay would end with us telling him we could no longer keep it up unless he did as he promised and each time he would leave without even looking for a job. He bounced back and forth between several places over his last 15 years.
I don’t need to go into all the details of all the things that happened, but at some point, my heart changed from a caring concerned daughter to an irritated, inconvenienced daughter. At some point I quit seeing my dad through loving eyes and just saw my dad as a constant irritation. If I listed all the things, I could probably get you to say that I was justified in my feelings but I don’t want to be.
I loved my dad. I miss my dad. But when he was here, there were a lot of things that were a constant source of hurt for me. I needed a dad my entire life and my dad couldn’t be what I needed. I had slowly started to accept that I needed to view our relationship differently and morn the fact that my dad wasn’t ever going to be able to be that dad I had always wanted. It was still hard but getting better.
But now, my dad is gone. Our relationship will never have a chance to mend or be healthy. Now I wish I could be inconvenienced by going to pick him up for a birthday party or holiday get together. Each time I eat at a restaurant that he loved, I only wish I could buy him dinner, where before I would have been frustrated I had to buy his dinner because he never had money. Now when I try a new dark chocolate, which was his favorite, I wish I could offer him some. The list goes on and on.
The reason I am writing all of this down is to remind us all that we need to love others even when it is inconvenient. Love others when it is difficult to love. Extend grace and understanding even when people are frustrating. I know we all have relationships that are hard. We all have those people in our lives that we don’t understand and that seem impossible. I am sure that right now you are thinking of someone who fits this description.
Here is what I would do differently if my dad was still here and I had the chance to do things over. I would do my best to understand him. I would spend more time trying to see his heart. I would ask hard questions to find out what has happened to land him where he is. I would focus on him as a person rather than his actions. I would make sure that he always felt loved and welcomed where he was. I would make sure I stood up for him. But I would also hold him accountable. I would remind him of the steps he needed to take to better himself and I would encourage him along the way. I wouldn’t do it all for him, but rather come along side him and cheer him on, lending him a hand when and how I could. I would have set healthy boundaries sooner to ensure our relationship was healthy, even if he wasn’t. None of these things are easy to do and hindsight is 20/20 and it is easy to see things different now, but I want to try to learn from this and apply it where I can now.
You see, Jesus loves us all. He loves us when we are difficult. He loves us when we are broken. He loves us when we are at the bottom. He loves us when we don’t deserve it. He loves us when it is inconvenient, messy, ugly. He loves us. Love God and Love people.
I see my dad in every person I pass holding a sign on the side of the road asking for something- food, money, shelter. When I stop and offer what I have to give, I want so badly to know them. To know their story and to know what has landed them where they are. I see my dad when I see someone hurting and in need. I see my dad when I encounter a difficult person. I just want to understand what has caused pain in their life. I have learned so much after my dads death. I see people different. (I am a work in progress and not perfect!) I see people as more than their sin, their actions, their words. I am working on loving deeper, extending more grace, and truly seeing people.
Today I want to urge you to love others even when it is inconvenient, messy, or difficult because that is what Jesus would do and you never know when that might be their last chance to be loved like Jesus loves.